Monday, July 1, 2013
Recent Thoughts
This blog served a certain purpose when I started writing. That purpose has changed and for the past six months this blog has been neglected. But I need some creative outlet. So this blog is reborn! It will likely be quite different. I plan on experimenting a bit... be a bit less intent on purpose or completeness and just go with it.
...well I am busy again so we'll see how this goes.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Hiatus
For anyone who reads this blog and has been checking in to see if I have made any new posts I should apologize for the tardiness of this message. My efforts have been directed elsewhere for the past several weeks and this will likely continue to be the case until at least the new year.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Don't Step In That!
I was on a bad-ass trivia team in high school.
Trivia is fucking awesome. It's competitive, it's rewarding, it gives you the opportunity to think you are better than other people based on broad impractical knowledge that is made entirely obsolete with the use of google.
Anywho, it was a trivia game called "Reach for the Top" and there were a bunch of other high school teams across Canada that did the same thing. Four players on each team with one buzzer for each player. The teams sit across from one another looking at each other to build some tension. A designated third-party reader reads form a pack of questions and you buzz in whenever you think you know the answer.
My school had a deep trivia culture... so we were pretty good. Looking back on it there was a lot of interesting things surrounding the trivia. The dynamic was fairly similar to a sports team only it was a a trivia team with a bunch of nerds... I always thought this would make a hilarious movie (Starring Will Ferrell as the good guy and Ben Stiller as the bad-guy). Instead of showing off by flexing muscles and screaming we would show off by answering trivia questions and then insulting the fuck out of everyone. Lot of obsessive behaviour, lot of strange personalities... I really enjoyed myself.
Skip to the regional competition. Our team made it to the finals against a team that only had one good player. He ended up sitting across from me during the game. So I decided that I would try to eliminate him as a threat by freaking him the fuck out during the game! So I just stared at him. I didn't blink. Wide-eyed, unilateral focus on his eyes. He started noticing and I could see a bit of fear in his face. He would look back at me every minute or so and there I am, with my eyes fixed on him slowly licking my lips, or taking a long drink without breaking eye contact. This went on for quite some time before I realized that I was so focused on fucking with him that I hadn't answered any questions and the game was half over. So I stopped and went back to playing the game. We already had a commanding lead at this point and we won. After the game he called me a "fucking weird". Those were his exact words when I went up and apologized for staring at him. I knew that I had done some good for my team.
So we advanced it to the provincial tournament and then we advanced again to the televised round that is shown on provincial tv.
So we are sitting in this TV studio building the entire fucking day waiting for our game to start. Hours and hours of just sitting there. So the team was getting antsy and I was getting antsy and nervous as shit. I am an anxious person and I knew that my reflexes and focus and usefulness for my team was going to be somewhat compromised by being in front of an audience and TV cameras. So I told the team this and that I wouldn't be offended if they wanted to rotate me out of the lineup this game. But, being creatures of obsessive behaviour the rest of the team said no and that we should keep the same team and player positions as our previous game.
Team-communication is sometimes important during the day so we had a standard player-position system. During the televised round my position meant that I would be asked to introduce the team by the host. This made me even more nervous and I was thinking about what I would say. When I get nervous I kind of move behind my body and things go into automatic mode. I sometimes do shit without thinking.
So our game starts and we line up and we have to do this intro pose when our team is introduced. The producer recommended we give a double wave or something but my team was too cool for this shit so we just kinda stood there. I, however, blatantly spanked the teammate standing next to me. And I knew... I was off the fucking chain. I wasn't controlling me, my nervous fucking craziness was in control.
So the time for introductions comes. The host approaches me and I'm shitting myself. She asks me to introduce the team and I go go through. One of our team members, however, had to sit out and he was in the audience. His name was Jake Seaman. And when the host asks me to introduce him I say something like "...and in the audience is our team member Jake 'don't step in that' Seamen". As if his nickname was 'don't step in that'.
Sure this wasn't particularly clever. It makes no fucking sense. But it was supposed to be something that would be innocuous enough to get around any uproar from the producer while still subtly showing that I was talking about semen... in this case, semen that was on the floor that the host should avoid stepping in (for the record, I think a friend of mine actually came up with this during a previous brainstorming session).
There is a bit of an awkward silence. The host just kinda looks at me for a second. Did this kid just make a semen joke during a trivia contest on a shitty provincial television station? And I'm just kinda staring back at her with a smirk, like "yup" I just said that.
The coach of our team is also in the stands. The coach was a teacher at my school and, also, my mother.
Interesting side-note, in Grade 9 I went to a new school and didn't know anyone. I told my mother to avoid me at all costs. I didn't want anyone to know that I was a teacher's son. For some fucking reason she is helping out in my Grade 9 geography class. I don't even know why this was allowed. Anyway, someone in the class is using a pencil sharpened down to a nub. A tiny little thing that makes writing difficult. I had done this a lot in elementary school as, I'm sure, many people do. So My mom grabs this kid's tiny pencil, holds it up in front of the class, and says "hey Brett, does this look familiar?" Of course everyone bursts out laughing thinking that my mom is saying that I have a tiny penis... that was a great fucking way to be introduced to new people...
Back to the trivia contest! So the semen reference is made and there is an awkward pause. Then the host notices that the coach and I share the same last name and the host asks something like "is that your mother?" and I reply "only through blood".
This is probably one of the most clever, shocking displays of quick thinking in my life. I was completely out of it. I had just spanked my teammate, then I made a semen joke, I'm in front of these lights sweating like a beast and I can't fucking concentrate and I'm running on fucking fumes. Yet I say "only through blood" as though my mother and I had a major falling out of some sort yet she is still my trivia coach. Or, perhaps, that my mother birthed me, then abandoned me, and then became my trivia coach. It was just so stupidly absurd that it was great.
So the taping ends and the producer gives shit to my mom because I was being such a little prick on his show. They ended up edited out everything I did when they aired the episode and I just looked like a sweaty idiot.
Trivia is fucking awesome. It's competitive, it's rewarding, it gives you the opportunity to think you are better than other people based on broad impractical knowledge that is made entirely obsolete with the use of google.
Anywho, it was a trivia game called "Reach for the Top" and there were a bunch of other high school teams across Canada that did the same thing. Four players on each team with one buzzer for each player. The teams sit across from one another looking at each other to build some tension. A designated third-party reader reads form a pack of questions and you buzz in whenever you think you know the answer.
My school had a deep trivia culture... so we were pretty good. Looking back on it there was a lot of interesting things surrounding the trivia. The dynamic was fairly similar to a sports team only it was a a trivia team with a bunch of nerds... I always thought this would make a hilarious movie (Starring Will Ferrell as the good guy and Ben Stiller as the bad-guy). Instead of showing off by flexing muscles and screaming we would show off by answering trivia questions and then insulting the fuck out of everyone. Lot of obsessive behaviour, lot of strange personalities... I really enjoyed myself.
Skip to the regional competition. Our team made it to the finals against a team that only had one good player. He ended up sitting across from me during the game. So I decided that I would try to eliminate him as a threat by freaking him the fuck out during the game! So I just stared at him. I didn't blink. Wide-eyed, unilateral focus on his eyes. He started noticing and I could see a bit of fear in his face. He would look back at me every minute or so and there I am, with my eyes fixed on him slowly licking my lips, or taking a long drink without breaking eye contact. This went on for quite some time before I realized that I was so focused on fucking with him that I hadn't answered any questions and the game was half over. So I stopped and went back to playing the game. We already had a commanding lead at this point and we won. After the game he called me a "fucking weird". Those were his exact words when I went up and apologized for staring at him. I knew that I had done some good for my team.
So we advanced it to the provincial tournament and then we advanced again to the televised round that is shown on provincial tv.
So we are sitting in this TV studio building the entire fucking day waiting for our game to start. Hours and hours of just sitting there. So the team was getting antsy and I was getting antsy and nervous as shit. I am an anxious person and I knew that my reflexes and focus and usefulness for my team was going to be somewhat compromised by being in front of an audience and TV cameras. So I told the team this and that I wouldn't be offended if they wanted to rotate me out of the lineup this game. But, being creatures of obsessive behaviour the rest of the team said no and that we should keep the same team and player positions as our previous game.
Team-communication is sometimes important during the day so we had a standard player-position system. During the televised round my position meant that I would be asked to introduce the team by the host. This made me even more nervous and I was thinking about what I would say. When I get nervous I kind of move behind my body and things go into automatic mode. I sometimes do shit without thinking.
So our game starts and we line up and we have to do this intro pose when our team is introduced. The producer recommended we give a double wave or something but my team was too cool for this shit so we just kinda stood there. I, however, blatantly spanked the teammate standing next to me. And I knew... I was off the fucking chain. I wasn't controlling me, my nervous fucking craziness was in control.
So the time for introductions comes. The host approaches me and I'm shitting myself. She asks me to introduce the team and I go go through. One of our team members, however, had to sit out and he was in the audience. His name was Jake Seaman. And when the host asks me to introduce him I say something like "...and in the audience is our team member Jake 'don't step in that' Seamen". As if his nickname was 'don't step in that'.
Sure this wasn't particularly clever. It makes no fucking sense. But it was supposed to be something that would be innocuous enough to get around any uproar from the producer while still subtly showing that I was talking about semen... in this case, semen that was on the floor that the host should avoid stepping in (for the record, I think a friend of mine actually came up with this during a previous brainstorming session).
There is a bit of an awkward silence. The host just kinda looks at me for a second. Did this kid just make a semen joke during a trivia contest on a shitty provincial television station? And I'm just kinda staring back at her with a smirk, like "yup" I just said that.
The coach of our team is also in the stands. The coach was a teacher at my school and, also, my mother.
Interesting side-note, in Grade 9 I went to a new school and didn't know anyone. I told my mother to avoid me at all costs. I didn't want anyone to know that I was a teacher's son. For some fucking reason she is helping out in my Grade 9 geography class. I don't even know why this was allowed. Anyway, someone in the class is using a pencil sharpened down to a nub. A tiny little thing that makes writing difficult. I had done this a lot in elementary school as, I'm sure, many people do. So My mom grabs this kid's tiny pencil, holds it up in front of the class, and says "hey Brett, does this look familiar?" Of course everyone bursts out laughing thinking that my mom is saying that I have a tiny penis... that was a great fucking way to be introduced to new people...
Back to the trivia contest! So the semen reference is made and there is an awkward pause. Then the host notices that the coach and I share the same last name and the host asks something like "is that your mother?" and I reply "only through blood".
This is probably one of the most clever, shocking displays of quick thinking in my life. I was completely out of it. I had just spanked my teammate, then I made a semen joke, I'm in front of these lights sweating like a beast and I can't fucking concentrate and I'm running on fucking fumes. Yet I say "only through blood" as though my mother and I had a major falling out of some sort yet she is still my trivia coach. Or, perhaps, that my mother birthed me, then abandoned me, and then became my trivia coach. It was just so stupidly absurd that it was great.
So the taping ends and the producer gives shit to my mom because I was being such a little prick on his show. They ended up edited out everything I did when they aired the episode and I just looked like a sweaty idiot.
Monday, September 24, 2012
My Brief Experience with Psychological Warfare.
I had a lot of spares in high school so every day I would spend time in the library and in grade 12 we got a new librarian and it was evident right away that she was batshit crazy. She was flustered and would be really wound up and irritable and snap on even the nicest people. So people started screwing with her and, in response, she started making crazy-ass paranoid rules.
There were a bunch of seemingly arbitrary rules that had to be followed regarding computers and books and bags. You had to sign in to a computer for an allotted time, you couldn't use certain websites even if the library was deserted. She would stand at the stacks and watch you as you looked for books. You couldn't bring any bag into the library which meant that there was a line of bags on the wall outside the library and people would steal shit so every time I had to go to the library I would have to go to my locker first.
One day I decided to voice my displeasure by breaking the rule about bags. I brought my bag into the library. When I did this, the librarian kicked me out. She told me to leave. I thought this was insulting and funny. I was a strait A student, I was always friendly with people, my mother worked at the school so I knew a lot of the faculty, I had a great relationship with the previous librarian and I was basically a fucking boyscout (my mother made sure that my anti-authority tendencies in elementary school didn't follow me to high school where they could embarrass her).
So I got kicked out and I didn't really have anything to do so when she kicked me out I went out into the hallway and sat on the floor in front of the library doors looking in at her through the window. I just sat there. A few minutes later some friends walked by and asked why I was sitting there. I told them I was kicked out of the library for bringing in my bag. We started talking and they sat down on the floor next to me. A few other friends joined but after a few minutes I was bored and went to get lunch. I left with about 4 people around and went to the cafeteria.
Later in the day I was called to the office and the vice principal gives me a talking-to. She starts off with something like "so what's the problem here?" and I'm thinking to myself "what the fuck is she talking about". Apparently, after I left the hallway for lunch the crowd grew and grew with students who were displeased with the new library rules. It turned into a sitting protest where students were blocking the doors and when a V.P. went by to ask what was going on the students mouthed off. Then when he asked who started the protest everyone said it was me. I was long gone at that point but I nearly got suspended.
So I was pissed and I blamed my problems on the librarian. My problems with unwarranted authority surfaced and I decided that I would start fucking with the librarian.
(Yes, I realize my logic may seem a bit off here. I nearly get in trouble and my response is to push the boundaries and flirt with more trouble. This is a bit of a trend with me and authority figures and it is mostly based on the principle that I will treat you well if you treat me well. You abuse your position of power and fuck with me once in a way that I consider unreasonable and I will take stupid risks just to throw that in your face, just so you know that I no longer respect you or your power and by disrespecting you I negate all power that you have over me.)
My response started out simple. I would sneak my bag into the library. And every single day I would play dumb. I'd walk in and breeze right past the front desk and she would try to stop me but I'd pretend like I couldn't hear her. And she'd say "leave your bag at the door" and I'd say "huh? what do you mean. Bag? What bag? My Bag? No this isn't mine it's Jack's bag." And this would go on and on for 5 minutes every day. I would try to get her to raise her voice to me and when she did I would say something like "HEY! This is a library calm down." And my friends would laugh. OH MAN that would annoy the shit out of her.
Eventually, my plans became more sinister. Like I would keep an eye on the librarian and when she would leave the desk for a moment I would rush outside and grab my bag and then rush back in. And eventually she would walk by my desk and see my bag and say something about why I brought my bag back in and I'd say like "oh yeah sorry about that" and she'd watch is I brought the bag back out. And then a half hour later I'd do the whole thing again and try to convince her that she was losing her memory in her old age or, maybe, that she was going insane. This then became a theme of mine. I wanted her to think that she was going insane.
I would sneak books out of the library by sliding them across her desk when she wasn't there and this would avoid the theft-scanners without damaging the book. Then I would return later in the day and return the book without entering the library. She would then scan it and be surprised that the book was never checked out. Eventually I started doing this over and over with the same book. Multiple times a day I would steal and return the same book without her seeing me. I would ask unknowing participants in my scheme to do me a favour and return the book I had ostensibly checked out. I hoped that the librarian would see that it wasn't me but different people were returning the same unchecked book over and over throughout the day. The librarian then started to hide these books behind her desk in the restricted area and I would sneak in and take these hidden fucking books and return them all over again! Sometimes I would do this with big stacks of books and try to absolutely fill the book-return slot with books that were never checked out.
When I would go on to the computer I would frequently pull up the administrator window that required a password in order to access. I would just pull up this window and type nonsense but I would do so for a long time. For 15 minutes I would be feverishly typing on this administrator screen until I attract some attention and when the librarian walked by I would stop and look wide-eyed and be as blatantly yet believably nervous as possible. "Oh hi Mrs librarian, lovely day today..." I wanted her to think that I was somehow messing around with her computer system and that I was the one who was responsible for constant technical issues that would arise every day. I'm actually not sure if she ever got paranoid about this... but it was one of my favorite schemes.
The library had a back door that had big warnings signs that said that opening the door would set off the fire alarm. One day I secretly saw her exit through these doors and no alarm went off so I knew it was safe. So, occasionally, I'd leave through the back door and walk in the front door and pass her desk and say hello. And I would repeat this multiple times in a single period. She would see me enter the library past her desk 10 times and not see me leave once. YOU'RE LOSING YOUR MIND LADY!
Once I checked out a bunch of books and then waited for the three weeks for them to be overdue, then I covertly brought the books back into the library and re-shelved them. The books were on the shelves but the computer system said they were checked out. I then let my library fine grow and grow until I got a letter from the library saying I owed 5 bucks or whatever and I went in and said something like "I returned these books on time". Of course she thinks I'm a lying punk just trying to get out of the fine so she makes me follow her to the stacks so she can prove to me that the books are missing and that I was the last one who had them. Of course, we get to the stacks and all the books are in place and I say something like "hey, mistakes happen lady" and I leave, subtly trying to make her think that she was going insane.
I even had a friendly relationship with the other librarian just to piss her off more. Just to show that I'm a nice likeable guy and that maybe she was being paranoid about me.
Now my favorite moment of all wasn't anything I did at all, it was a friend of mine. We were in music class and had to research something in the library so he left with his trombone and we went up to the library. He sneaks into the stacks and starts playing the trombone and I watch as the librarian is rushing around trying to figure out what is going on while my friend is evading her.
I'm pretty sure that the librarian went on a stress-leave the next year.
There were a bunch of seemingly arbitrary rules that had to be followed regarding computers and books and bags. You had to sign in to a computer for an allotted time, you couldn't use certain websites even if the library was deserted. She would stand at the stacks and watch you as you looked for books. You couldn't bring any bag into the library which meant that there was a line of bags on the wall outside the library and people would steal shit so every time I had to go to the library I would have to go to my locker first.
One day I decided to voice my displeasure by breaking the rule about bags. I brought my bag into the library. When I did this, the librarian kicked me out. She told me to leave. I thought this was insulting and funny. I was a strait A student, I was always friendly with people, my mother worked at the school so I knew a lot of the faculty, I had a great relationship with the previous librarian and I was basically a fucking boyscout (my mother made sure that my anti-authority tendencies in elementary school didn't follow me to high school where they could embarrass her).
So I got kicked out and I didn't really have anything to do so when she kicked me out I went out into the hallway and sat on the floor in front of the library doors looking in at her through the window. I just sat there. A few minutes later some friends walked by and asked why I was sitting there. I told them I was kicked out of the library for bringing in my bag. We started talking and they sat down on the floor next to me. A few other friends joined but after a few minutes I was bored and went to get lunch. I left with about 4 people around and went to the cafeteria.
Later in the day I was called to the office and the vice principal gives me a talking-to. She starts off with something like "so what's the problem here?" and I'm thinking to myself "what the fuck is she talking about". Apparently, after I left the hallway for lunch the crowd grew and grew with students who were displeased with the new library rules. It turned into a sitting protest where students were blocking the doors and when a V.P. went by to ask what was going on the students mouthed off. Then when he asked who started the protest everyone said it was me. I was long gone at that point but I nearly got suspended.
So I was pissed and I blamed my problems on the librarian. My problems with unwarranted authority surfaced and I decided that I would start fucking with the librarian.
(Yes, I realize my logic may seem a bit off here. I nearly get in trouble and my response is to push the boundaries and flirt with more trouble. This is a bit of a trend with me and authority figures and it is mostly based on the principle that I will treat you well if you treat me well. You abuse your position of power and fuck with me once in a way that I consider unreasonable and I will take stupid risks just to throw that in your face, just so you know that I no longer respect you or your power and by disrespecting you I negate all power that you have over me.)
My response started out simple. I would sneak my bag into the library. And every single day I would play dumb. I'd walk in and breeze right past the front desk and she would try to stop me but I'd pretend like I couldn't hear her. And she'd say "leave your bag at the door" and I'd say "huh? what do you mean. Bag? What bag? My Bag? No this isn't mine it's Jack's bag." And this would go on and on for 5 minutes every day. I would try to get her to raise her voice to me and when she did I would say something like "HEY! This is a library calm down." And my friends would laugh. OH MAN that would annoy the shit out of her.
Eventually, my plans became more sinister. Like I would keep an eye on the librarian and when she would leave the desk for a moment I would rush outside and grab my bag and then rush back in. And eventually she would walk by my desk and see my bag and say something about why I brought my bag back in and I'd say like "oh yeah sorry about that" and she'd watch is I brought the bag back out. And then a half hour later I'd do the whole thing again and try to convince her that she was losing her memory in her old age or, maybe, that she was going insane. This then became a theme of mine. I wanted her to think that she was going insane.
I would sneak books out of the library by sliding them across her desk when she wasn't there and this would avoid the theft-scanners without damaging the book. Then I would return later in the day and return the book without entering the library. She would then scan it and be surprised that the book was never checked out. Eventually I started doing this over and over with the same book. Multiple times a day I would steal and return the same book without her seeing me. I would ask unknowing participants in my scheme to do me a favour and return the book I had ostensibly checked out. I hoped that the librarian would see that it wasn't me but different people were returning the same unchecked book over and over throughout the day. The librarian then started to hide these books behind her desk in the restricted area and I would sneak in and take these hidden fucking books and return them all over again! Sometimes I would do this with big stacks of books and try to absolutely fill the book-return slot with books that were never checked out.
When I would go on to the computer I would frequently pull up the administrator window that required a password in order to access. I would just pull up this window and type nonsense but I would do so for a long time. For 15 minutes I would be feverishly typing on this administrator screen until I attract some attention and when the librarian walked by I would stop and look wide-eyed and be as blatantly yet believably nervous as possible. "Oh hi Mrs librarian, lovely day today..." I wanted her to think that I was somehow messing around with her computer system and that I was the one who was responsible for constant technical issues that would arise every day. I'm actually not sure if she ever got paranoid about this... but it was one of my favorite schemes.
The library had a back door that had big warnings signs that said that opening the door would set off the fire alarm. One day I secretly saw her exit through these doors and no alarm went off so I knew it was safe. So, occasionally, I'd leave through the back door and walk in the front door and pass her desk and say hello. And I would repeat this multiple times in a single period. She would see me enter the library past her desk 10 times and not see me leave once. YOU'RE LOSING YOUR MIND LADY!
Once I checked out a bunch of books and then waited for the three weeks for them to be overdue, then I covertly brought the books back into the library and re-shelved them. The books were on the shelves but the computer system said they were checked out. I then let my library fine grow and grow until I got a letter from the library saying I owed 5 bucks or whatever and I went in and said something like "I returned these books on time". Of course she thinks I'm a lying punk just trying to get out of the fine so she makes me follow her to the stacks so she can prove to me that the books are missing and that I was the last one who had them. Of course, we get to the stacks and all the books are in place and I say something like "hey, mistakes happen lady" and I leave, subtly trying to make her think that she was going insane.
I even had a friendly relationship with the other librarian just to piss her off more. Just to show that I'm a nice likeable guy and that maybe she was being paranoid about me.
Now my favorite moment of all wasn't anything I did at all, it was a friend of mine. We were in music class and had to research something in the library so he left with his trombone and we went up to the library. He sneaks into the stacks and starts playing the trombone and I watch as the librarian is rushing around trying to figure out what is going on while my friend is evading her.
I'm pretty sure that the librarian went on a stress-leave the next year.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Some Funny Assignments From Third Year
I was immediately disappointed with the educational philosophy of university.
In third year I stopped caring about the failures of university and just accepted that it was too large a problem for me to deal with as a student. I accepted the inevitable letdowns of uninterested students, administration that lowers standards and overworked professors who don't even have time to read student's papers. I decided that I would just have fun (in retrospect, I wish I had my current mentality about education when I was at school - I was a bit too philosophically immature for my own good).
This decision to have more fun with school typically manifested with me mocking the educational value of the paper I was assigned (but only when I considered the educational value to be lacking).
I went through my old computer and pulled a sample of the papers to remember what I was up to in those days.
My housemates came up with the idea that I should insert random movie quotations into my essays. I agreed. At first, this started out fairly simple. This was the first quotation I used:
To quote Uncle Ben from ‘Spiderman’ as he gave advice to a teenaged Peter Parker “with great power comes great responsibility”. In the early 20th century technological innovations commanded great power indeed.
The quotation loosely related to the subject matter and I'm sure when my professor read it he thought "...ok...". But, from here, I became more adventurous. The next paper I wrote in this class began as follows:
To quote Norman Osborne in Spiderman, “Sorry I’m late. Work was Murder.” Similarly Robert Oppenheimer went to work every day with the ultimate goal of killing thousands if not millions of human lives. If he were ever late for a meeting he would almost certainly have used the quote above but only in a humorous manner, not the menacing ironic method of Norman Osborne.
I was pushing the edge of plausibility here. But I got bored of this and then started mocking my previous submissions by inserting movie quotes that had absolutely nothing to do with anything!
The third paper in this class began as follows:
To quote Peter Parker from Spiderman “Go web. Fly. Up, up, and away web! Shazam! Go! Go! Go web go!” At first appearance this quote may seem to be completely unrelated to both to the following paper and the impact of technology on society in the 30’s and 40’s...
I was getting cocky. In this same class, the term paper was a 3000 word essay about a futurist which I began as follows:
If the future were a dog, then the following quote from Billy Madison would accurately describe the sentiments which Arthur C Clarke had toward investigation into the future of technology.
The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for [his dog] after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a [dog]. You got a responsibility.' If your dog gets lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog.
I didn't even explain why this quote had anything to do with anything. It just hangs at the beginning of my essay...
In other classes I was mocking the assignments in similar ways. But my mocking had become self-aware. I was now mocking my mocking by calling attention to the meaninglessness of my mocking. I wrote a paper on warfare and concluded it as follows:
When John Connor begins to cry in Terminator 2: Judgment Day the terminator asks “what’s wrong with your eyes?” What does this quote have to do with my conclusion? Nothing really… I just wanted to quote Terminator 2 because it was a badass movie.
In the same class I wrote a paper about religion that ended as follows:
In conclusion religion is lot like when Forest Gump says "Leutinent Dan ICE CREEEEEEEEAM". What do I mean by this? Who knows! But I had a bet with my housemates that I couldn't put this into a paper. I am now one dolla richa!
In the same class I wrote a paper on the potential future genetic-engineering of three-breasted women and I used the movie Total Recall as a source. I argued that these women would make great wet-nurses since they could nurse 3 babies at a time and that the number of breasts per woman would likely rise beyond 3 as wet-nurses push to nurse more and more babies simultaneously. Now, due to the geometry of the situation, a single large breast encompassing the total available breast-area would produce the most milk. This, however, would only facilitate a single nursing baby. With each additional breast the milk production decreases but the number of potential simultaneous suckling-babies increases. As such, I estimated that 6 breasts would likely be the most economical for wet-nursing as any more would result in breasts running-dry and any fewer would result in a milk surplus with no baby able to utilize that surplus through simultaneous suckling. Also I floated the idea of having multiple nipples on a single breast but I discarded this notion as absurd.
I got an A on the paper.
The final paper in this class was a 5,000 word essay on how a certain technology has been influenced by the media (or something like that). I decided to write the essay on the movie "Honey I Shrunk the Kids" and how this movie influenced the fictional technology of shrink-rays.
I did not get a good mark on this paper because the entire thing was entirely dislocated from reality... Also, in order to reach the 5,000 word mark I spent a couple pages explaining the plot and just talking about how awesome the movie was.
Now, my personal favorite paper in all of this mocking was a term paper for a religion course. We had to watch a movie about the life of Jesus and then address how the movie differed from the gospels and the historical Jesus. I watched Jesus Christ Superstar and the whole time I was thinking "this is the stupidest fucking assignment I have ever had in my life".
I spent the paper arguing that historical Judea was a live rock-opera and that Jesus Christ Superstar was a %100 accurate representation of the historical Jesus. That the writers of the gospels also lived in a rock-opera and, thus, did not mention that Jesus was, as I wrote, "rocking the shit out of his sermons".
Some quotations from this paper:
Jesus Christ Superstar - could there be a more aptly named movie in cinema history? I think not. What does it mean to be a superstar? Who is to say? Was Jesus truly a superstar? This movie addresses none of these questions, and neither will this paper. Instead far less interesting, and far less valuable topic will be covered, dealing primarily with the differences between the story of Jesus as presented in the movie “Jesus Christ Superstar” and the story of Jesus as presented in the Gospels.
It is obvious that the bible makes note of the importance of music and song. Ephesians 5:19 states “as you sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, singing and making melody to the Lord in your hears”. Even the Gospel of Matthew states that “when [Jesus and he disciples] had sung the hymn, they went out to the Mount of Olives”. It seems, then, that there is some reference to Jesus and his followers partaking in group song. Seeing as how I cannot speak Greek and am not an expert on the time period and location in question, I cannot come to a definitive conclusion on the matter. However, it seems like Andrew Lloyd Weber’s representation of Jesus as a musical maniac may fit precisely with the character of the historical Jesus.
Finally, I concluded the paper as follows:
Andrew Lloyd Weber chose to represent Jesus as a messiah who could rock the shit, Judas as a tormented misunderstood disciple who could also rock the shit, and Mary Magdalene as the love of Jesus' life… who, oddly enough, could rock the shit. Personally, I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt because it says "I want to be formal, but I’m here to party".
I got an A on that paper too. Most of the lost marks were a result of gratuitous profanity.
In third year I stopped caring about the failures of university and just accepted that it was too large a problem for me to deal with as a student. I accepted the inevitable letdowns of uninterested students, administration that lowers standards and overworked professors who don't even have time to read student's papers. I decided that I would just have fun (in retrospect, I wish I had my current mentality about education when I was at school - I was a bit too philosophically immature for my own good).
This decision to have more fun with school typically manifested with me mocking the educational value of the paper I was assigned (but only when I considered the educational value to be lacking).
I went through my old computer and pulled a sample of the papers to remember what I was up to in those days.
My housemates came up with the idea that I should insert random movie quotations into my essays. I agreed. At first, this started out fairly simple. This was the first quotation I used:
To quote Uncle Ben from ‘Spiderman’ as he gave advice to a teenaged Peter Parker “with great power comes great responsibility”. In the early 20th century technological innovations commanded great power indeed.
The quotation loosely related to the subject matter and I'm sure when my professor read it he thought "...ok...". But, from here, I became more adventurous. The next paper I wrote in this class began as follows:
To quote Norman Osborne in Spiderman, “Sorry I’m late. Work was Murder.” Similarly Robert Oppenheimer went to work every day with the ultimate goal of killing thousands if not millions of human lives. If he were ever late for a meeting he would almost certainly have used the quote above but only in a humorous manner, not the menacing ironic method of Norman Osborne.
I was pushing the edge of plausibility here. But I got bored of this and then started mocking my previous submissions by inserting movie quotes that had absolutely nothing to do with anything!
The third paper in this class began as follows:
To quote Peter Parker from Spiderman “Go web. Fly. Up, up, and away web! Shazam! Go! Go! Go web go!” At first appearance this quote may seem to be completely unrelated to both to the following paper and the impact of technology on society in the 30’s and 40’s...
I was getting cocky. In this same class, the term paper was a 3000 word essay about a futurist which I began as follows:
If the future were a dog, then the following quote from Billy Madison would accurately describe the sentiments which Arthur C Clarke had toward investigation into the future of technology.
The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for [his dog] after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a [dog]. You got a responsibility.' If your dog gets lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog.
I didn't even explain why this quote had anything to do with anything. It just hangs at the beginning of my essay...
In other classes I was mocking the assignments in similar ways. But my mocking had become self-aware. I was now mocking my mocking by calling attention to the meaninglessness of my mocking. I wrote a paper on warfare and concluded it as follows:
When John Connor begins to cry in Terminator 2: Judgment Day the terminator asks “what’s wrong with your eyes?” What does this quote have to do with my conclusion? Nothing really… I just wanted to quote Terminator 2 because it was a badass movie.
In the same class I wrote a paper about religion that ended as follows:
In conclusion religion is lot like when Forest Gump says "Leutinent Dan ICE CREEEEEEEEAM". What do I mean by this? Who knows! But I had a bet with my housemates that I couldn't put this into a paper. I am now one dolla richa!
In the same class I wrote a paper on the potential future genetic-engineering of three-breasted women and I used the movie Total Recall as a source. I argued that these women would make great wet-nurses since they could nurse 3 babies at a time and that the number of breasts per woman would likely rise beyond 3 as wet-nurses push to nurse more and more babies simultaneously. Now, due to the geometry of the situation, a single large breast encompassing the total available breast-area would produce the most milk. This, however, would only facilitate a single nursing baby. With each additional breast the milk production decreases but the number of potential simultaneous suckling-babies increases. As such, I estimated that 6 breasts would likely be the most economical for wet-nursing as any more would result in breasts running-dry and any fewer would result in a milk surplus with no baby able to utilize that surplus through simultaneous suckling. Also I floated the idea of having multiple nipples on a single breast but I discarded this notion as absurd.
I got an A on the paper.
The final paper in this class was a 5,000 word essay on how a certain technology has been influenced by the media (or something like that). I decided to write the essay on the movie "Honey I Shrunk the Kids" and how this movie influenced the fictional technology of shrink-rays.
I did not get a good mark on this paper because the entire thing was entirely dislocated from reality... Also, in order to reach the 5,000 word mark I spent a couple pages explaining the plot and just talking about how awesome the movie was.
Now, my personal favorite paper in all of this mocking was a term paper for a religion course. We had to watch a movie about the life of Jesus and then address how the movie differed from the gospels and the historical Jesus. I watched Jesus Christ Superstar and the whole time I was thinking "this is the stupidest fucking assignment I have ever had in my life".
I spent the paper arguing that historical Judea was a live rock-opera and that Jesus Christ Superstar was a %100 accurate representation of the historical Jesus. That the writers of the gospels also lived in a rock-opera and, thus, did not mention that Jesus was, as I wrote, "rocking the shit out of his sermons".
Some quotations from this paper:
Jesus Christ Superstar - could there be a more aptly named movie in cinema history? I think not. What does it mean to be a superstar? Who is to say? Was Jesus truly a superstar? This movie addresses none of these questions, and neither will this paper. Instead far less interesting, and far less valuable topic will be covered, dealing primarily with the differences between the story of Jesus as presented in the movie “Jesus Christ Superstar” and the story of Jesus as presented in the Gospels.
It is obvious that the bible makes note of the importance of music and song. Ephesians 5:19 states “as you sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, singing and making melody to the Lord in your hears”. Even the Gospel of Matthew states that “when [Jesus and he disciples] had sung the hymn, they went out to the Mount of Olives”. It seems, then, that there is some reference to Jesus and his followers partaking in group song. Seeing as how I cannot speak Greek and am not an expert on the time period and location in question, I cannot come to a definitive conclusion on the matter. However, it seems like Andrew Lloyd Weber’s representation of Jesus as a musical maniac may fit precisely with the character of the historical Jesus.
Finally, I concluded the paper as follows:
Andrew Lloyd Weber chose to represent Jesus as a messiah who could rock the shit, Judas as a tormented misunderstood disciple who could also rock the shit, and Mary Magdalene as the love of Jesus' life… who, oddly enough, could rock the shit. Personally, I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt because it says "I want to be formal, but I’m here to party".
I got an A on that paper too. Most of the lost marks were a result of gratuitous profanity.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
My Best Man Speech (and a tad on educational fascism)
My brother got married this past July and I was the best man.
I always enjoyed giving speeches or making presentations in school because it gave me the opportunity to be creative. Teaches and professors often find a way to suck the enjoyment (and potential for intellectual growth) out of writing by providing rigid guidelines to which everyone must adhere. Sometimes I would adhere to this intellectual fascism, other times I would not... much depended upon my passion for the class or subject matter. The more interest I had, the less likely I was to adhere to the writing guidelines, and the more likely I was to loose marks for form. It was all very funny.
The great part about school (for educational purposes) was that, more often than not, the rigid structure did not apply to presentations. You had creative and intellectual control over everything. I loved presentations. I loved speeches. I still do.
Regarding the best man speech I encountered a bit of an obstacle. I wasn't allowed to be offensive or risky. I wasn't allowed to be philosophical or educational. It was requested by the bride and groom that I say some jokes that children and the elderly will laugh at while not being offended and that's it.
So I went looking for inspiration. Who is funny as shit yet not offensive and can speak to all ages?
Steve Martin.
So I found the following video:
My Best Man Speech basically wrote itself after this. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. Thanks Steve Martin.
(of course, there are some "inside-type" jokes)
Hello, everyone I’m Brett, Chris' younger Brother and Best Man.
I’d first like to congratulate Chris and Anna. Anna, you look fantastic. Chris, your ears do not look quite as pronounced as usual.
There are plenty friends and family in attendance this evening, many who I am only meeting tonight for the first time. Despite what Chris says I’m sure you’re all wonderful people.
Of course there are also many in attendance tonight who I have known for quite some time for those of you, I’m sure you will be pleased to know that there is an open bar at the back.
Now, it would be easy for me to stand up here for the next few minutes and talk about Chris' exemplary character and the joy and love that he and Anna share, but this seems to be neither the time nor the place.
Instead, I decided to give everyone a brief portrait of Chris' character and his relationship with Anna.
Before I begin this, however, you should know that Anna specifically asked me to avoid any potentially controversial material including, religion, politics, sex, sexism, insults, handicaps, obscenity, racism, criminal activity, historical tragedies, flatulence and any other references to the byproducts of animal digestion. As you can imagine most of my memories of Chris have, by necessity, been censored.
Chris didn’t particularly worry about my offending anyone. Instead, he had only one request. He asked that I promise to not mention how self-conscious he is about his gangly, nerd-like, cartoonish appearance. And that is a promise I intend to keep.
Now, this may surprise some of you but Chris is a sentimental and thoughtful individual. In fact, he has kept a diary his entire life. I was able to locate this diary and I bookmarked a number of entries that are relevant to tonight. I thought that it would be interesting to share some of these entries.
(open prop diary - entries written inside)
June 1996 - Brett was playing road hockey with his friends today. For no discernible reason I decided to embarrass him by beating him up in front of his friends. As a 14 year old I felt like a big man while beating up my helpless 8 year old brother. I watched him cry in front of all of his friends while silently reveling in his agony. I certainly hope this does not leave him scarred and vengeful. I consider the matter closed and assume that it will never come up again, certainly not during an important social event attended by my friends and family.
January 1997 – I got a mushroom hair-cut today. Also, I found a cool white-seashell necklace and plaid flannel vest that I can wear for the next 5 years. This will be a great way to pick up chicks.
September 1998 – First day of Grade 10. I sat next to a cute girl named Anna in Drama Class. I said hello and tried to strike-up a conversation. She told me that my mushroom cut makes me look like a fun guy. I’m not sure what she meant by this.
July 2000: Anna and I went on a date tonight. I picked her up in the hulking green mini-van and drove to see Scary Movie. I was a gentleman and paid for her ticket. Note to self: if things don't work out, Anna owes me $12.25
March 2002- Met Anna’s father for the first time, never been more nervous in my life. Mr. Johnson continuously used the word “degenerate”. I should look up the definition.
October 2004: I realized today that I am desperately in love with Anna and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I will propose to her the moment that puberty ends.
January 2008 - Anna has left for Australia for college. I will miss her immensely though I’m sure she will have a wonderful time. I hear the Alps are beautiful this time of year.
(look away from diary to speak directly to audience) When Anna moved to Australia Chris' quality of life deteriorated quite quickly. This becomes quite evident in his diary as his language devolves into truncated sentences and John Meyer lyrics. At one point, after being separated from Anna for several months Chris seems to have tried his hand at poetry.
He writes
“Roses are red
Violets are blue
Poetry is difficult”
June 2009 – I arrived in Australia today to be with Anna. I learned that Australia was once a British penal colony. Note to self: make ample use of disinfectant.
July 2011 – Proposed to Anna today. Things went surprisingly well. She said yes. It seems that my aspirations of playing in the NHL will have to be postponed.
July 2012 – Today is my wedding day. I looked in the mirror when I woke up and didn’t recognize the man staring back at me. He seemed like a stranger. It turns out I was just staring into a neighbours window.
(Close Diary)
I have been in a unique position to witness Chris' life from the perspective of both a family member and a close friend. I can say with total honesty that he has been a fantastic big brother and a great friend.
I met Anna shortly after she and Chris started dating and I have known her for 12 years now. During that time she has tolerated me remarkably well and that means a lot.
I wish you both the very best in life and marriage.
The speech was ideal because it was short and funny, the only person I joked about was the groom, I didn't have to memorize much, I could add in sentimental bits, I could use real dates and real events to provide some meaning behind the jokes.
I always enjoyed giving speeches or making presentations in school because it gave me the opportunity to be creative. Teaches and professors often find a way to suck the enjoyment (and potential for intellectual growth) out of writing by providing rigid guidelines to which everyone must adhere. Sometimes I would adhere to this intellectual fascism, other times I would not... much depended upon my passion for the class or subject matter. The more interest I had, the less likely I was to adhere to the writing guidelines, and the more likely I was to loose marks for form. It was all very funny.
The great part about school (for educational purposes) was that, more often than not, the rigid structure did not apply to presentations. You had creative and intellectual control over everything. I loved presentations. I loved speeches. I still do.
Regarding the best man speech I encountered a bit of an obstacle. I wasn't allowed to be offensive or risky. I wasn't allowed to be philosophical or educational. It was requested by the bride and groom that I say some jokes that children and the elderly will laugh at while not being offended and that's it.
So I went looking for inspiration. Who is funny as shit yet not offensive and can speak to all ages?
Steve Martin.
So I found the following video:
My Best Man Speech basically wrote itself after this. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. Thanks Steve Martin.
(of course, there are some "inside-type" jokes)
Hello, everyone I’m Brett, Chris' younger Brother and Best Man.
I’d first like to congratulate Chris and Anna. Anna, you look fantastic. Chris, your ears do not look quite as pronounced as usual.
There are plenty friends and family in attendance this evening, many who I am only meeting tonight for the first time. Despite what Chris says I’m sure you’re all wonderful people.
Of course there are also many in attendance tonight who I have known for quite some time for those of you, I’m sure you will be pleased to know that there is an open bar at the back.
Now, it would be easy for me to stand up here for the next few minutes and talk about Chris' exemplary character and the joy and love that he and Anna share, but this seems to be neither the time nor the place.
Instead, I decided to give everyone a brief portrait of Chris' character and his relationship with Anna.
Before I begin this, however, you should know that Anna specifically asked me to avoid any potentially controversial material including, religion, politics, sex, sexism, insults, handicaps, obscenity, racism, criminal activity, historical tragedies, flatulence and any other references to the byproducts of animal digestion. As you can imagine most of my memories of Chris have, by necessity, been censored.
Chris didn’t particularly worry about my offending anyone. Instead, he had only one request. He asked that I promise to not mention how self-conscious he is about his gangly, nerd-like, cartoonish appearance. And that is a promise I intend to keep.
Now, this may surprise some of you but Chris is a sentimental and thoughtful individual. In fact, he has kept a diary his entire life. I was able to locate this diary and I bookmarked a number of entries that are relevant to tonight. I thought that it would be interesting to share some of these entries.
(open prop diary - entries written inside)
June 1996 - Brett was playing road hockey with his friends today. For no discernible reason I decided to embarrass him by beating him up in front of his friends. As a 14 year old I felt like a big man while beating up my helpless 8 year old brother. I watched him cry in front of all of his friends while silently reveling in his agony. I certainly hope this does not leave him scarred and vengeful. I consider the matter closed and assume that it will never come up again, certainly not during an important social event attended by my friends and family.
January 1997 – I got a mushroom hair-cut today. Also, I found a cool white-seashell necklace and plaid flannel vest that I can wear for the next 5 years. This will be a great way to pick up chicks.
September 1998 – First day of Grade 10. I sat next to a cute girl named Anna in Drama Class. I said hello and tried to strike-up a conversation. She told me that my mushroom cut makes me look like a fun guy. I’m not sure what she meant by this.
July 2000: Anna and I went on a date tonight. I picked her up in the hulking green mini-van and drove to see Scary Movie. I was a gentleman and paid for her ticket. Note to self: if things don't work out, Anna owes me $12.25
March 2002- Met Anna’s father for the first time, never been more nervous in my life. Mr. Johnson continuously used the word “degenerate”. I should look up the definition.
October 2004: I realized today that I am desperately in love with Anna and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I will propose to her the moment that puberty ends.
January 2008 - Anna has left for Australia for college. I will miss her immensely though I’m sure she will have a wonderful time. I hear the Alps are beautiful this time of year.
(look away from diary to speak directly to audience) When Anna moved to Australia Chris' quality of life deteriorated quite quickly. This becomes quite evident in his diary as his language devolves into truncated sentences and John Meyer lyrics. At one point, after being separated from Anna for several months Chris seems to have tried his hand at poetry.
He writes
“Roses are red
Violets are blue
Poetry is difficult”
June 2009 – I arrived in Australia today to be with Anna. I learned that Australia was once a British penal colony. Note to self: make ample use of disinfectant.
July 2011 – Proposed to Anna today. Things went surprisingly well. She said yes. It seems that my aspirations of playing in the NHL will have to be postponed.
July 2012 – Today is my wedding day. I looked in the mirror when I woke up and didn’t recognize the man staring back at me. He seemed like a stranger. It turns out I was just staring into a neighbours window.
(Close Diary)
I have been in a unique position to witness Chris' life from the perspective of both a family member and a close friend. I can say with total honesty that he has been a fantastic big brother and a great friend.
I met Anna shortly after she and Chris started dating and I have known her for 12 years now. During that time she has tolerated me remarkably well and that means a lot.
I wish you both the very best in life and marriage.
The speech was ideal because it was short and funny, the only person I joked about was the groom, I didn't have to memorize much, I could add in sentimental bits, I could use real dates and real events to provide some meaning behind the jokes.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
An Exchange with my TA
In general, I was disappointed by my university education. Everything was slow and catered, there was very little opportunity to question ideas or think for yourself. I don't want to get bogged down on a talk about the merit of a university education since this post is meant to be fun. The matter of importance is that I was constantly finding ways to stay entertained in my education while simultaneously trying to point out some of the failures of the university. I was banned from writing comically critical articles in the school newspaper. I closely evaded a disciplinary hearing and was forced to apologize to my psychology professor (and my dean, and my student adviser) because I was writing "inflammatory" stuff on the course forum (though I don't think what I was writing was insulting as much as it was accurate criticism in a somewhat mocking tone).
I've matured somewhat since then.
So, in my final year I was taking a political science course and, as usual, attendance and participation in tutorials was graded. This was bullshit, because the tutorials would provide no new information or discussion but just act as a refresher for the week's information and I didn't want to waste time attending.
At the end of the semester one of my TAs "Andre" emailed me my tutorial participation mark and I decided to have some fun. I think he handled my idiocy extremely well!
On Mon, 05 Apr 2010 14:48:06
"A.A.J. ---" wrote:
-----
Hey Matthew,
Please find your 2XX3E tutorial participation mark below. Feel free
to e-mail me if you want to discuss or dispute this mark.
2.5/10
Good luck on the exam!
-André
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Tue, 06 Apr 2010 11:30:18
"Matthew Burns" wrote:
-----
Andre,
Unfortunately, this semester my vocal chords were removed for the purposes of scientific experimentation. Dr.Zseischeviochnovicktov, a former head scientist of the Soviet Union's vocal chord analysis department, contacted me via email with the information that I had been selected as a lucky winner for vocal chord transplant. The idea was simple: replace my vocal chords with Sean Connery's in order to ensure the survival of cool-accented bond movies into the 21st century.
Dr Zseischeviochnovicktov removed my vocal chords before he had even contacted Sean Connery about the procedure. Upon reaching him, Sean refused to take part and so I was left without my vocal chords, which had since been transplanted into a dog that promptly ran away.
As a side note: if you come across a dog that continuously shouts profanities and makes inappropriate comparisons to Nazis then please contact me immediately.
I was left with with the inability to speak. The good doctor offered to transplant Kathy Griffin's vocal chords into my voice box, as she was apparently searching for a renewal of her reality TV contract by performing outrageous acts, and she also had ample experience with unwise elective surgery. I said that I would rather have the vocal chords of a worm than that horribly horrible human being, and so, at this point in time, and for the foreseeable future, I can only speak in a voice that worms can understand.
As such I have been unable to speak in any of my tutorials, and so decided to stop attending said tutorials in order to limit the mental anguish that I experience by being reminded that I can only speak in worm.
Also, I woke up one morning and someone had stolen my knees... which made mobility a slight problem.
In conclusion, I sound like a worm, I have no knees, and as such decided to only attend four of the semester's tutorials. In my opinion this warrants a mark of 4/10. Also, I participated quite actively during lectures... in the sense that I attended some of them and actively flirted with the girls sitting next to me. This extra
attendance certainly warrants a 5/10 participation mark.
Thanks,
Third Degree Burns
------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Tue, 06 Apr 2010 14:45:07
"A.A.J. ---" wrote:
-----
Matthew,
I sympathize with your plight and I certainly commend your attempts to further humanity's progress through mad scientist voicebox transplants. However, I maintain moral issues with excusing voicebox tranplant mishaps. If I were to show any leniency in this regard, then I would also have to excuse another student who is a superhero and was absent for attempting to save a damsel in distress. Similarly, I would also have to excuse the two merpersons in the class who were unable to attend due to the low humidity (ie, less than 100%) within our tutorial classroom. That said, I am also fairly profficient in worm (my uncle once removed was a worm) and the
lack of initiative that you displayed in attempting to communicate yourself to me is inexcusable.
Unfourtunately, according to my grade book, you were only in class 3 of the 8 classes that I took attendence. Also, in two of those classes, I don't believe that you participated at all. As such, your grade stands at 2.5/10 though I enjoyed your attempt.
-André
------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Tue, 06 Apr 2010 17:18:30
"Matthew Burns" wrote:
-----
Andre,
OKOKOK... I lied about losing my vocal choards and someone stealing my knees. But that's it! the rest of the story is true! Kathy Griffin is absolutely horrible, and the one time I called Sean Connery's house he threatened to kill me.
Also, Thursdays are a day of religious celebration for me. My religion strictly says that no tutorials shall be attended on Thursday. Oddly, my religion also says that changing a timetable to accommodate the transfer of a tutorial from a Thursday to any other day is also wrong. You can't discriminate against my religious beliefs. That's what the nazis did.
Am I comparing this tutorial to Nazi Germany? Nononono... that would be insensitive. Instead I am saying that it is most interesting that participation was graded in Nazi Germany as well. Those who did not participate in the "hiel" or attend their mandatory biweekly knitting classes were severely beaten and forced to watch Kathy Griffin's stand up comedy.
In conclusion: is this email participation not worthy of a 5/10?
Also, could you please refer to me as "Third Degree Burns"
Thanks,
Third Degree Burns
------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Wed, 07 Apr 2010 15:06:43
"A.A.J. ---" wrote:
-----
Matthew,
Nice try.
-André
I've matured somewhat since then.
So, in my final year I was taking a political science course and, as usual, attendance and participation in tutorials was graded. This was bullshit, because the tutorials would provide no new information or discussion but just act as a refresher for the week's information and I didn't want to waste time attending.
At the end of the semester one of my TAs "Andre" emailed me my tutorial participation mark and I decided to have some fun. I think he handled my idiocy extremely well!
On Mon, 05 Apr 2010 14:48:06
"A.A.J. ---" wrote:
-----
Hey Matthew,
Please find your 2XX3E tutorial participation mark below. Feel free
to e-mail me if you want to discuss or dispute this mark.
2.5/10
Good luck on the exam!
-André
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Tue, 06 Apr 2010 11:30:18
"Matthew Burns" wrote:
-----
Andre,
Unfortunately, this semester my vocal chords were removed for the purposes of scientific experimentation. Dr.Zseischeviochnovicktov, a former head scientist of the Soviet Union's vocal chord analysis department, contacted me via email with the information that I had been selected as a lucky winner for vocal chord transplant. The idea was simple: replace my vocal chords with Sean Connery's in order to ensure the survival of cool-accented bond movies into the 21st century.
Dr Zseischeviochnovicktov removed my vocal chords before he had even contacted Sean Connery about the procedure. Upon reaching him, Sean refused to take part and so I was left without my vocal chords, which had since been transplanted into a dog that promptly ran away.
As a side note: if you come across a dog that continuously shouts profanities and makes inappropriate comparisons to Nazis then please contact me immediately.
I was left with with the inability to speak. The good doctor offered to transplant Kathy Griffin's vocal chords into my voice box, as she was apparently searching for a renewal of her reality TV contract by performing outrageous acts, and she also had ample experience with unwise elective surgery. I said that I would rather have the vocal chords of a worm than that horribly horrible human being, and so, at this point in time, and for the foreseeable future, I can only speak in a voice that worms can understand.
As such I have been unable to speak in any of my tutorials, and so decided to stop attending said tutorials in order to limit the mental anguish that I experience by being reminded that I can only speak in worm.
Also, I woke up one morning and someone had stolen my knees... which made mobility a slight problem.
In conclusion, I sound like a worm, I have no knees, and as such decided to only attend four of the semester's tutorials. In my opinion this warrants a mark of 4/10. Also, I participated quite actively during lectures... in the sense that I attended some of them and actively flirted with the girls sitting next to me. This extra
attendance certainly warrants a 5/10 participation mark.
Thanks,
Third Degree Burns
------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Tue, 06 Apr 2010 14:45:07
"A.A.J. ---" wrote:
-----
Matthew,
I sympathize with your plight and I certainly commend your attempts to further humanity's progress through mad scientist voicebox transplants. However, I maintain moral issues with excusing voicebox tranplant mishaps. If I were to show any leniency in this regard, then I would also have to excuse another student who is a superhero and was absent for attempting to save a damsel in distress. Similarly, I would also have to excuse the two merpersons in the class who were unable to attend due to the low humidity (ie, less than 100%) within our tutorial classroom. That said, I am also fairly profficient in worm (my uncle once removed was a worm) and the
lack of initiative that you displayed in attempting to communicate yourself to me is inexcusable.
Unfourtunately, according to my grade book, you were only in class 3 of the 8 classes that I took attendence. Also, in two of those classes, I don't believe that you participated at all. As such, your grade stands at 2.5/10 though I enjoyed your attempt.
-André
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On Tue, 06 Apr 2010 17:18:30
"Matthew Burns" wrote:
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Andre,
OKOKOK... I lied about losing my vocal choards and someone stealing my knees. But that's it! the rest of the story is true! Kathy Griffin is absolutely horrible, and the one time I called Sean Connery's house he threatened to kill me.
Also, Thursdays are a day of religious celebration for me. My religion strictly says that no tutorials shall be attended on Thursday. Oddly, my religion also says that changing a timetable to accommodate the transfer of a tutorial from a Thursday to any other day is also wrong. You can't discriminate against my religious beliefs. That's what the nazis did.
Am I comparing this tutorial to Nazi Germany? Nononono... that would be insensitive. Instead I am saying that it is most interesting that participation was graded in Nazi Germany as well. Those who did not participate in the "hiel" or attend their mandatory biweekly knitting classes were severely beaten and forced to watch Kathy Griffin's stand up comedy.
In conclusion: is this email participation not worthy of a 5/10?
Also, could you please refer to me as "Third Degree Burns"
Thanks,
Third Degree Burns
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On Wed, 07 Apr 2010 15:06:43
"A.A.J. ---" wrote:
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Matthew,
Nice try.
-André
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