My brother got married this past July and I was the best man.
I always enjoyed giving speeches or making presentations in school because it gave me the opportunity to be creative. Teaches and professors often find a way to suck the enjoyment (and potential for intellectual growth) out of writing by providing rigid guidelines to which everyone must adhere. Sometimes I would adhere to this intellectual fascism, other times I would not... much depended upon my passion for the class or subject matter. The more interest I had, the less likely I was to adhere to the writing guidelines, and the more likely I was to loose marks for form. It was all very funny.
The great part about school (for educational purposes) was that, more often than not, the rigid structure did not apply to presentations. You had creative and intellectual control over everything. I loved presentations. I loved speeches. I still do.
Regarding the best man speech I encountered a bit of an obstacle. I wasn't allowed to be offensive or risky. I wasn't allowed to be philosophical or educational. It was requested by the bride and groom that I say some jokes that children and the elderly will laugh at while not being offended and that's it.
So I went looking for inspiration. Who is funny as shit yet not offensive and can speak to all ages?
Steve Martin.
So I found the following video:
My Best Man Speech basically wrote itself after this. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. Thanks Steve Martin.
(of course, there are some "inside-type" jokes)
Hello, everyone I’m Brett, Chris' younger Brother and Best Man.
I’d first like to congratulate Chris and Anna. Anna, you look fantastic. Chris, your ears do not look quite as pronounced as usual.
There are plenty friends and family in attendance this evening, many who I am only meeting tonight for the first time. Despite what Chris says I’m sure you’re all wonderful people.
Of course there are also many in attendance tonight who I have known for quite some time for those of you, I’m sure you will be pleased to know that there is an open bar at the back.
Now, it would be easy for me to stand up here for the next few minutes and talk about Chris' exemplary character and the joy and love that he and Anna share, but this seems to be neither the time nor the place.
Instead, I decided to give everyone a brief portrait of Chris' character and his relationship with Anna.
Before I begin this, however, you should know that Anna specifically asked me to avoid any potentially controversial material including, religion, politics, sex, sexism, insults, handicaps, obscenity, racism, criminal activity, historical tragedies, flatulence and any other references to the byproducts of animal digestion. As you can imagine most of my memories of Chris have, by necessity, been censored.
Chris didn’t particularly worry about my offending anyone. Instead, he had only one request. He asked that I promise to not mention how self-conscious he is about his gangly, nerd-like, cartoonish appearance. And that is a promise I intend to keep.
Now, this may surprise some of you but Chris is a sentimental and thoughtful individual. In fact, he has kept a diary his entire life. I was able to locate this diary and I bookmarked a number of entries that are relevant to tonight. I thought that it would be interesting to share some of these entries.
(open prop diary - entries written inside)
June 1996 - Brett was playing road hockey with his friends today. For no discernible reason I decided to embarrass him by beating him up in front of his friends. As a 14 year old I felt like a big man while beating up my helpless 8 year old brother. I watched him cry in front of all of his friends while silently reveling in his agony. I certainly hope this does not leave him scarred and vengeful. I consider the matter closed and assume that it will never come up again, certainly not during an important social event attended by my friends and family.
January 1997 – I got a mushroom hair-cut today. Also, I found a cool white-seashell necklace and plaid flannel vest that I can wear for the next 5 years. This will be a great way to pick up chicks.
September 1998 – First day of Grade 10. I sat next to a cute girl named Anna in Drama Class. I said hello and tried to strike-up a conversation. She told me that my mushroom cut makes me look like a fun guy. I’m not sure what she meant by this.
July 2000: Anna and I went on a date tonight. I picked her up in the hulking green mini-van and drove to see Scary Movie. I was a gentleman and paid for her ticket. Note to self: if things don't work out, Anna owes me $12.25
March 2002- Met Anna’s father for the first time, never been more nervous in my life. Mr. Johnson continuously used the word “degenerate”. I should look up the definition.
October 2004: I realized today that I am desperately in love with Anna and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I will propose to her the moment that puberty ends.
January 2008 - Anna has left for Australia for college. I will miss her immensely though I’m sure she will have a wonderful time. I hear the Alps are beautiful this time of year.
(look away from diary to speak directly to audience) When Anna moved to Australia Chris' quality of life deteriorated quite quickly. This becomes quite evident in his diary as his language devolves into truncated sentences and John Meyer lyrics. At one point, after being separated from Anna for several months Chris seems to have tried his hand at poetry.
He writes
“Roses are red
Violets are blue
Poetry is difficult”
June 2009 – I arrived in Australia today to be with Anna. I learned that Australia was once a British penal colony. Note to self: make ample use of disinfectant.
July 2011 – Proposed to Anna today. Things went surprisingly well. She said yes. It seems that my aspirations of playing in the NHL will have to be postponed.
July 2012 – Today is my wedding day. I looked in the mirror when I woke up and didn’t recognize the man staring back at me. He seemed like a stranger. It turns out I was just staring into a neighbours window.
(Close Diary)
I have been in a unique position to witness Chris' life from the perspective of both a family member and a close friend. I can say with total honesty that he has been a fantastic big brother and a great friend.
I met Anna shortly after she and Chris started dating and I have known her for 12 years now. During that time she has tolerated me remarkably well and that means a lot.
I wish you both the very best in life and marriage.
The speech was ideal because it was short and funny, the only person I joked about was the groom, I didn't have to memorize much, I could add in sentimental bits, I could use real dates and real events to provide some meaning behind the jokes.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Saturday, August 18, 2012
An Exchange with my TA
In general, I was disappointed by my university education. Everything was slow and catered, there was very little opportunity to question ideas or think for yourself. I don't want to get bogged down on a talk about the merit of a university education since this post is meant to be fun. The matter of importance is that I was constantly finding ways to stay entertained in my education while simultaneously trying to point out some of the failures of the university. I was banned from writing comically critical articles in the school newspaper. I closely evaded a disciplinary hearing and was forced to apologize to my psychology professor (and my dean, and my student adviser) because I was writing "inflammatory" stuff on the course forum (though I don't think what I was writing was insulting as much as it was accurate criticism in a somewhat mocking tone).
I've matured somewhat since then.
So, in my final year I was taking a political science course and, as usual, attendance and participation in tutorials was graded. This was bullshit, because the tutorials would provide no new information or discussion but just act as a refresher for the week's information and I didn't want to waste time attending.
At the end of the semester one of my TAs "Andre" emailed me my tutorial participation mark and I decided to have some fun. I think he handled my idiocy extremely well!
On Mon, 05 Apr 2010 14:48:06
"A.A.J. ---" wrote:
-----
Hey Matthew,
Please find your 2XX3E tutorial participation mark below. Feel free
to e-mail me if you want to discuss or dispute this mark.
2.5/10
Good luck on the exam!
-André
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Tue, 06 Apr 2010 11:30:18
"Matthew Burns" wrote:
-----
Andre,
Unfortunately, this semester my vocal chords were removed for the purposes of scientific experimentation. Dr.Zseischeviochnovicktov, a former head scientist of the Soviet Union's vocal chord analysis department, contacted me via email with the information that I had been selected as a lucky winner for vocal chord transplant. The idea was simple: replace my vocal chords with Sean Connery's in order to ensure the survival of cool-accented bond movies into the 21st century.
Dr Zseischeviochnovicktov removed my vocal chords before he had even contacted Sean Connery about the procedure. Upon reaching him, Sean refused to take part and so I was left without my vocal chords, which had since been transplanted into a dog that promptly ran away.
As a side note: if you come across a dog that continuously shouts profanities and makes inappropriate comparisons to Nazis then please contact me immediately.
I was left with with the inability to speak. The good doctor offered to transplant Kathy Griffin's vocal chords into my voice box, as she was apparently searching for a renewal of her reality TV contract by performing outrageous acts, and she also had ample experience with unwise elective surgery. I said that I would rather have the vocal chords of a worm than that horribly horrible human being, and so, at this point in time, and for the foreseeable future, I can only speak in a voice that worms can understand.
As such I have been unable to speak in any of my tutorials, and so decided to stop attending said tutorials in order to limit the mental anguish that I experience by being reminded that I can only speak in worm.
Also, I woke up one morning and someone had stolen my knees... which made mobility a slight problem.
In conclusion, I sound like a worm, I have no knees, and as such decided to only attend four of the semester's tutorials. In my opinion this warrants a mark of 4/10. Also, I participated quite actively during lectures... in the sense that I attended some of them and actively flirted with the girls sitting next to me. This extra
attendance certainly warrants a 5/10 participation mark.
Thanks,
Third Degree Burns
------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Tue, 06 Apr 2010 14:45:07
"A.A.J. ---" wrote:
-----
Matthew,
I sympathize with your plight and I certainly commend your attempts to further humanity's progress through mad scientist voicebox transplants. However, I maintain moral issues with excusing voicebox tranplant mishaps. If I were to show any leniency in this regard, then I would also have to excuse another student who is a superhero and was absent for attempting to save a damsel in distress. Similarly, I would also have to excuse the two merpersons in the class who were unable to attend due to the low humidity (ie, less than 100%) within our tutorial classroom. That said, I am also fairly profficient in worm (my uncle once removed was a worm) and the
lack of initiative that you displayed in attempting to communicate yourself to me is inexcusable.
Unfourtunately, according to my grade book, you were only in class 3 of the 8 classes that I took attendence. Also, in two of those classes, I don't believe that you participated at all. As such, your grade stands at 2.5/10 though I enjoyed your attempt.
-André
------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Tue, 06 Apr 2010 17:18:30
"Matthew Burns" wrote:
-----
Andre,
OKOKOK... I lied about losing my vocal choards and someone stealing my knees. But that's it! the rest of the story is true! Kathy Griffin is absolutely horrible, and the one time I called Sean Connery's house he threatened to kill me.
Also, Thursdays are a day of religious celebration for me. My religion strictly says that no tutorials shall be attended on Thursday. Oddly, my religion also says that changing a timetable to accommodate the transfer of a tutorial from a Thursday to any other day is also wrong. You can't discriminate against my religious beliefs. That's what the nazis did.
Am I comparing this tutorial to Nazi Germany? Nononono... that would be insensitive. Instead I am saying that it is most interesting that participation was graded in Nazi Germany as well. Those who did not participate in the "hiel" or attend their mandatory biweekly knitting classes were severely beaten and forced to watch Kathy Griffin's stand up comedy.
In conclusion: is this email participation not worthy of a 5/10?
Also, could you please refer to me as "Third Degree Burns"
Thanks,
Third Degree Burns
------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Wed, 07 Apr 2010 15:06:43
"A.A.J. ---" wrote:
-----
Matthew,
Nice try.
-André
I've matured somewhat since then.
So, in my final year I was taking a political science course and, as usual, attendance and participation in tutorials was graded. This was bullshit, because the tutorials would provide no new information or discussion but just act as a refresher for the week's information and I didn't want to waste time attending.
At the end of the semester one of my TAs "Andre" emailed me my tutorial participation mark and I decided to have some fun. I think he handled my idiocy extremely well!
On Mon, 05 Apr 2010 14:48:06
"A.A.J. ---" wrote:
-----
Hey Matthew,
Please find your 2XX3E tutorial participation mark below. Feel free
to e-mail me if you want to discuss or dispute this mark.
2.5/10
Good luck on the exam!
-André
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Tue, 06 Apr 2010 11:30:18
"Matthew Burns" wrote:
-----
Andre,
Unfortunately, this semester my vocal chords were removed for the purposes of scientific experimentation. Dr.Zseischeviochnovicktov, a former head scientist of the Soviet Union's vocal chord analysis department, contacted me via email with the information that I had been selected as a lucky winner for vocal chord transplant. The idea was simple: replace my vocal chords with Sean Connery's in order to ensure the survival of cool-accented bond movies into the 21st century.
Dr Zseischeviochnovicktov removed my vocal chords before he had even contacted Sean Connery about the procedure. Upon reaching him, Sean refused to take part and so I was left without my vocal chords, which had since been transplanted into a dog that promptly ran away.
As a side note: if you come across a dog that continuously shouts profanities and makes inappropriate comparisons to Nazis then please contact me immediately.
I was left with with the inability to speak. The good doctor offered to transplant Kathy Griffin's vocal chords into my voice box, as she was apparently searching for a renewal of her reality TV contract by performing outrageous acts, and she also had ample experience with unwise elective surgery. I said that I would rather have the vocal chords of a worm than that horribly horrible human being, and so, at this point in time, and for the foreseeable future, I can only speak in a voice that worms can understand.
As such I have been unable to speak in any of my tutorials, and so decided to stop attending said tutorials in order to limit the mental anguish that I experience by being reminded that I can only speak in worm.
Also, I woke up one morning and someone had stolen my knees... which made mobility a slight problem.
In conclusion, I sound like a worm, I have no knees, and as such decided to only attend four of the semester's tutorials. In my opinion this warrants a mark of 4/10. Also, I participated quite actively during lectures... in the sense that I attended some of them and actively flirted with the girls sitting next to me. This extra
attendance certainly warrants a 5/10 participation mark.
Thanks,
Third Degree Burns
------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Tue, 06 Apr 2010 14:45:07
"A.A.J. ---" wrote:
-----
Matthew,
I sympathize with your plight and I certainly commend your attempts to further humanity's progress through mad scientist voicebox transplants. However, I maintain moral issues with excusing voicebox tranplant mishaps. If I were to show any leniency in this regard, then I would also have to excuse another student who is a superhero and was absent for attempting to save a damsel in distress. Similarly, I would also have to excuse the two merpersons in the class who were unable to attend due to the low humidity (ie, less than 100%) within our tutorial classroom. That said, I am also fairly profficient in worm (my uncle once removed was a worm) and the
lack of initiative that you displayed in attempting to communicate yourself to me is inexcusable.
Unfourtunately, according to my grade book, you were only in class 3 of the 8 classes that I took attendence. Also, in two of those classes, I don't believe that you participated at all. As such, your grade stands at 2.5/10 though I enjoyed your attempt.
-André
------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Tue, 06 Apr 2010 17:18:30
"Matthew Burns" wrote:
-----
Andre,
OKOKOK... I lied about losing my vocal choards and someone stealing my knees. But that's it! the rest of the story is true! Kathy Griffin is absolutely horrible, and the one time I called Sean Connery's house he threatened to kill me.
Also, Thursdays are a day of religious celebration for me. My religion strictly says that no tutorials shall be attended on Thursday. Oddly, my religion also says that changing a timetable to accommodate the transfer of a tutorial from a Thursday to any other day is also wrong. You can't discriminate against my religious beliefs. That's what the nazis did.
Am I comparing this tutorial to Nazi Germany? Nononono... that would be insensitive. Instead I am saying that it is most interesting that participation was graded in Nazi Germany as well. Those who did not participate in the "hiel" or attend their mandatory biweekly knitting classes were severely beaten and forced to watch Kathy Griffin's stand up comedy.
In conclusion: is this email participation not worthy of a 5/10?
Also, could you please refer to me as "Third Degree Burns"
Thanks,
Third Degree Burns
------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Wed, 07 Apr 2010 15:06:43
"A.A.J. ---" wrote:
-----
Matthew,
Nice try.
-André
Friday, August 17, 2012
A Note on an Open and Free Internet
A society is a network of people. Social power is the ability to manipulate others within this network to behave in a desired way. I want Jill to be kicked, I convince Jack to kick Jill, Jack kicks Jill. In that instance I had power over Jack. I was able to use Jack in order to achieve an end that I considered desirable.
Jack likely has the ability to not kick Jill. That is, if I want power over Jack, I must find a way to convince Jack to kick Jill. I cannot simply push a button and Jack turns into an obedient Jill-kicking robot. As such, Jack has the ability to deny me power by not obeying me.
Power is the result of submission of one individual to the will of another. Social power of any kind is contingent upon the consent of the subjected.
In order to attain power, one must find a way to convince others to submit.
People are sometimes willing to submit for what they consider to be justified reason. For example, consider two friends, Friend A and Friend B. Suppose Friend A asks Friend B to kick Jill. It may be the case that Friend B submits to the temporary power of Friend A and kicks Jill because Friend B considers it mutually understood that Friend A will return the favour at some point in the future. Friend B granted power to Friend A with the understanding that Friend B would later be granted the same power. This is basic reciprocity.
It is also possible to gain power by dampening the ability of the subjected to identify or act against unjust power. Perhaps Friend A "forgets" when favors are returned and continually insists that Friend B perform favors. By playing off of the naivete of Friend B, Friend A may be able to attain more than his just share of favors.
If we extend the example of friendship out to other positions of power the same themes hold true. There are contemporary notions of what constitutes "just" power and people submit to this power willingly. For example, democratically elected officials can appeal to the popular vote to justify their power (and it would be rare for anyone to debate the validity of this justification in a contemporary environment).
Unjust power can be attained through a variety of means but one of the most important is through the control of information. By controlling information you can convince others that your power is justified even if it is not. For example, you could hold a phony election to fabricate the illusion of popular support. The subjected may then think that your power is justified and will continue to submit. You could fabricate the illusion of necessity in order to attain power. Consider, for example, how a largely imagined threat of terrorism has resulted in the submission of much of the world to those who provide a largely imagined protection from terrorism. Think about how 9/11 is still being used by governments all around the world to justify security and surveillance measures and eliminating rights to protest and free speech. If you can control information then you can present the image that you are providing the safety that people desire even if you are doing no such thing. The same is true of, say, economic prosperity. If you control information you can present the illusion that you are required for the good of the economy and that your position of power benefits everyone. In this regard consider how the wealthy in America are branded as "job-creators" in an effort to make the poor think that their wealth is justified and, that the disparity of wealth is good for everyone.
Now we get to the internet. A platform where information is, in many ways, free. Using the internet I can access and communicate information on an unprecedented scale, and millions of other people (powerful and non-powerful alike) can do the same. This is a tremendously dangerous tool for those who have unjust power. If they cannot control information, then they cannot maintain the illusion that they're power is just. They are at constant threat that the free exchange of information will result in their loss of power.
This is why there is tremendous effort to control aspects of the internet. Make it illegal to videotape police officers so you can't post that shit on you tube and reveal the police-state. Call any who oppose your internet surveillance bill pedophiles. Track all the websites you visit. Censor the undesirable. Label groups like Anonymous "cyber-terrorists" in an effort to sway the opinion of the subverted. I think it is inevitable that the powerful will attempt to control information.
This is the matter of importance that I want to relay in this post.I am not against power or the powerful. Differential power between individuals is inevitable. I am, however, against unjust power. The free exchange of information is the most important component of a just society. The resolve of the subjected to attain free information in all things should be unwavering. The internet is of utmost importance in this regard. Those who strive for free information are engaging in an important and noble fight.
Jack likely has the ability to not kick Jill. That is, if I want power over Jack, I must find a way to convince Jack to kick Jill. I cannot simply push a button and Jack turns into an obedient Jill-kicking robot. As such, Jack has the ability to deny me power by not obeying me.
Power is the result of submission of one individual to the will of another. Social power of any kind is contingent upon the consent of the subjected.
In order to attain power, one must find a way to convince others to submit.
People are sometimes willing to submit for what they consider to be justified reason. For example, consider two friends, Friend A and Friend B. Suppose Friend A asks Friend B to kick Jill. It may be the case that Friend B submits to the temporary power of Friend A and kicks Jill because Friend B considers it mutually understood that Friend A will return the favour at some point in the future. Friend B granted power to Friend A with the understanding that Friend B would later be granted the same power. This is basic reciprocity.
It is also possible to gain power by dampening the ability of the subjected to identify or act against unjust power. Perhaps Friend A "forgets" when favors are returned and continually insists that Friend B perform favors. By playing off of the naivete of Friend B, Friend A may be able to attain more than his just share of favors.
If we extend the example of friendship out to other positions of power the same themes hold true. There are contemporary notions of what constitutes "just" power and people submit to this power willingly. For example, democratically elected officials can appeal to the popular vote to justify their power (and it would be rare for anyone to debate the validity of this justification in a contemporary environment).
Unjust power can be attained through a variety of means but one of the most important is through the control of information. By controlling information you can convince others that your power is justified even if it is not. For example, you could hold a phony election to fabricate the illusion of popular support. The subjected may then think that your power is justified and will continue to submit. You could fabricate the illusion of necessity in order to attain power. Consider, for example, how a largely imagined threat of terrorism has resulted in the submission of much of the world to those who provide a largely imagined protection from terrorism. Think about how 9/11 is still being used by governments all around the world to justify security and surveillance measures and eliminating rights to protest and free speech. If you can control information then you can present the image that you are providing the safety that people desire even if you are doing no such thing. The same is true of, say, economic prosperity. If you control information you can present the illusion that you are required for the good of the economy and that your position of power benefits everyone. In this regard consider how the wealthy in America are branded as "job-creators" in an effort to make the poor think that their wealth is justified and, that the disparity of wealth is good for everyone.
Now we get to the internet. A platform where information is, in many ways, free. Using the internet I can access and communicate information on an unprecedented scale, and millions of other people (powerful and non-powerful alike) can do the same. This is a tremendously dangerous tool for those who have unjust power. If they cannot control information, then they cannot maintain the illusion that they're power is just. They are at constant threat that the free exchange of information will result in their loss of power.
This is why there is tremendous effort to control aspects of the internet. Make it illegal to videotape police officers so you can't post that shit on you tube and reveal the police-state. Call any who oppose your internet surveillance bill pedophiles. Track all the websites you visit. Censor the undesirable. Label groups like Anonymous "cyber-terrorists" in an effort to sway the opinion of the subverted. I think it is inevitable that the powerful will attempt to control information.
This is the matter of importance that I want to relay in this post.I am not against power or the powerful. Differential power between individuals is inevitable. I am, however, against unjust power. The free exchange of information is the most important component of a just society. The resolve of the subjected to attain free information in all things should be unwavering. The internet is of utmost importance in this regard. Those who strive for free information are engaging in an important and noble fight.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Simple Origin
For the foreseeable future, this blog will be based around two prominent and occasionally overlapping themes.
Theme 1: Shit that's funny.
Laughing is wonderful. Making people laugh is wonderful.
Theme 2: Shit that's interesting.
Interesting things are interesting. Fascinating things are fascinating. It is wonderful to learn something that can connect dots in the mind and form new ideas. (It may be useful to note that some of my posts regarding philosophy will be basic notions that I have not fully explored and should be read as such. This is not a platform for fully refined philosophy or arguments. It is a platform for interesting notions.).
Basically, I like laughing, I like learning and exploring ideas, let's fucking do both!
Theme 1: Shit that's funny.
Laughing is wonderful. Making people laugh is wonderful.
Theme 2: Shit that's interesting.
Interesting things are interesting. Fascinating things are fascinating. It is wonderful to learn something that can connect dots in the mind and form new ideas. (It may be useful to note that some of my posts regarding philosophy will be basic notions that I have not fully explored and should be read as such. This is not a platform for fully refined philosophy or arguments. It is a platform for interesting notions.).
Basically, I like laughing, I like learning and exploring ideas, let's fucking do both!
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