My brother got married this past July and I was the best man.
I always enjoyed giving speeches or making presentations in school because it gave me the opportunity to be creative. Teaches and professors often find a way to suck the enjoyment (and potential for intellectual growth) out of writing by providing rigid guidelines to which everyone must adhere. Sometimes I would adhere to this intellectual fascism, other times I would not... much depended upon my passion for the class or subject matter. The more interest I had, the less likely I was to adhere to the writing guidelines, and the more likely I was to loose marks for form. It was all very funny.
The great part about school (for educational purposes) was that, more often than not, the rigid structure did not apply to presentations. You had creative and intellectual control over everything. I loved presentations. I loved speeches. I still do.
Regarding the best man speech I encountered a bit of an obstacle. I wasn't allowed to be offensive or risky. I wasn't allowed to be philosophical or educational. It was requested by the bride and groom that I say some jokes that children and the elderly will laugh at while not being offended and that's it.
So I went looking for inspiration. Who is funny as shit yet not offensive and can speak to all ages?
Steve Martin.
So I found the following video:
My Best Man Speech basically wrote itself after this. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. Thanks Steve Martin.
(of course, there are some "inside-type" jokes)
Hello, everyone I’m Brett, Chris' younger Brother and Best Man.
I’d first like to congratulate Chris and Anna. Anna, you look fantastic. Chris, your ears do not look quite as pronounced as usual.
There are plenty friends and family in attendance this evening, many who I am only meeting tonight for the first time. Despite what Chris says I’m sure you’re all wonderful people.
Of course there are also many in attendance tonight who I have known for quite some time for those of you, I’m sure you will be pleased to know that there is an open bar at the back.
Now, it would be easy for me to stand up here for the next few minutes and talk about Chris' exemplary character and the joy and love that he and Anna share, but this seems to be neither the time nor the place.
Instead, I decided to give everyone a brief portrait of Chris' character and his relationship with Anna.
Before I begin this, however, you should know that Anna specifically asked me to avoid any potentially controversial material including, religion, politics, sex, sexism, insults, handicaps, obscenity, racism, criminal activity, historical tragedies, flatulence and any other references to the byproducts of animal digestion. As you can imagine most of my memories of Chris have, by necessity, been censored.
Chris didn’t particularly worry about my offending anyone. Instead, he had only one request. He asked that I promise to not mention how self-conscious he is about his gangly, nerd-like, cartoonish appearance. And that is a promise I intend to keep.
Now, this may surprise some of you but Chris is a sentimental and thoughtful individual. In fact, he has kept a diary his entire life. I was able to locate this diary and I bookmarked a number of entries that are relevant to tonight. I thought that it would be interesting to share some of these entries.
(open prop diary - entries written inside)
June 1996 - Brett was playing road hockey with his friends today. For no discernible reason I decided to embarrass him by beating him up in front of his friends. As a 14 year old I felt like a big man while beating up my helpless 8 year old brother. I watched him cry in front of all of his friends while silently reveling in his agony. I certainly hope this does not leave him scarred and vengeful. I consider the matter closed and assume that it will never come up again, certainly not during an important social event attended by my friends and family.
January 1997 – I got a mushroom hair-cut today. Also, I found a cool white-seashell necklace and plaid flannel vest that I can wear for the next 5 years. This will be a great way to pick up chicks.
September 1998 – First day of Grade 10. I sat next to a cute girl named Anna in Drama Class. I said hello and tried to strike-up a conversation. She told me that my mushroom cut makes me look like a fun guy. I’m not sure what she meant by this.
July 2000: Anna and I went on a date tonight. I picked her up in the hulking green mini-van and drove to see Scary Movie. I was a gentleman and paid for her ticket. Note to self: if things don't work out, Anna owes me $12.25
March 2002- Met Anna’s father for the first time, never been more nervous in my life. Mr. Johnson continuously used the word “degenerate”. I should look up the definition.
October 2004: I realized today that I am desperately in love with Anna and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I will propose to her the moment that puberty ends.
January 2008 - Anna has left for Australia for college. I will miss her immensely though I’m sure she will have a wonderful time. I hear the Alps are beautiful this time of year.
(look away from diary to speak directly to audience) When Anna moved to Australia Chris' quality of life deteriorated quite quickly. This becomes quite evident in his diary as his language devolves into truncated sentences and John Meyer lyrics. At one point, after being separated from Anna for several months Chris seems to have tried his hand at poetry.
He writes
“Roses are red
Violets are blue
Poetry is difficult”
June 2009 – I arrived in Australia today to be with Anna. I learned that Australia was once a British penal colony. Note to self: make ample use of disinfectant.
July 2011 – Proposed to Anna today. Things went surprisingly well. She said yes. It seems that my aspirations of playing in the NHL will have to be postponed.
July 2012 – Today is my wedding day. I looked in the mirror when I woke up and didn’t recognize the man staring back at me. He seemed like a stranger. It turns out I was just staring into a neighbours window.
(Close Diary)
I have been in a unique position to witness Chris' life from the perspective of both a family member and a close friend. I can say with total honesty that he has been a fantastic big brother and a great friend.
I met Anna shortly after she and Chris started dating and I have known her for 12 years now. During that time she has tolerated me remarkably well and that means a lot.
I wish you both the very best in life and marriage.
The speech was ideal because it was short and funny, the only person I joked about was the groom, I didn't have to memorize much, I could add in sentimental bits, I could use real dates and real events to provide some meaning behind the jokes.
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