In general, I was disappointed by my university education. Everything was slow and catered, there was very little opportunity to question ideas or think for yourself. I don't want to get bogged down on a talk about the merit of a university education since this post is meant to be fun. The matter of importance is that I was constantly finding ways to stay entertained in my education while simultaneously trying to point out some of the failures of the university. I was banned from writing comically critical articles in the school newspaper. I closely evaded a disciplinary hearing and was forced to apologize to my psychology professor (and my dean, and my student adviser) because I was writing "inflammatory" stuff on the course forum (though I don't think what I was writing was insulting as much as it was accurate criticism in a somewhat mocking tone).
I've matured somewhat since then.
So, in my final year I was taking a political science course and, as usual, attendance and participation in tutorials was graded. This was bullshit, because the tutorials would provide no new information or discussion but just act as a refresher for the week's information and I didn't want to waste time attending.
At the end of the semester one of my TAs "Andre" emailed me my tutorial participation mark and I decided to have some fun. I think he handled my idiocy extremely well!
On Mon, 05 Apr 2010 14:48:06
"A.A.J. ---" wrote:
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Hey Matthew,
Please find your 2XX3E tutorial participation mark below. Feel free
to e-mail me if you want to discuss or dispute this mark.
2.5/10
Good luck on the exam!
-André
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On Tue, 06 Apr 2010 11:30:18
"Matthew Burns" wrote:
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Andre,
Unfortunately, this semester my vocal chords were removed for the purposes of scientific experimentation. Dr.Zseischeviochnovicktov, a former head scientist of the Soviet Union's vocal chord analysis department, contacted me via email with the information that I had been selected as a lucky winner for vocal chord transplant. The idea was simple: replace my vocal chords with Sean Connery's in order to ensure the survival of cool-accented bond movies into the 21st century.
Dr Zseischeviochnovicktov removed my vocal chords before he had even contacted Sean Connery about the procedure. Upon reaching him, Sean refused to take part and so I was left without my vocal chords, which had since been transplanted into a dog that promptly ran away.
As a side note: if you come across a dog that continuously shouts profanities and makes inappropriate comparisons to Nazis then please contact me immediately.
I was left with with the inability to speak. The good doctor offered to transplant Kathy Griffin's vocal chords into my voice box, as she was apparently searching for a renewal of her reality TV contract by performing outrageous acts, and she also had ample experience with unwise elective surgery. I said that I would rather have the vocal chords of a worm than that horribly horrible human being, and so, at this point in time, and for the foreseeable future, I can only speak in a voice that worms can understand.
As such I have been unable to speak in any of my tutorials, and so decided to stop attending said tutorials in order to limit the mental anguish that I experience by being reminded that I can only speak in worm.
Also, I woke up one morning and someone had stolen my knees... which made mobility a slight problem.
In conclusion, I sound like a worm, I have no knees, and as such decided to only attend four of the semester's tutorials. In my opinion this warrants a mark of 4/10. Also, I participated quite actively during lectures... in the sense that I attended some of them and actively flirted with the girls sitting next to me. This extra
attendance certainly warrants a 5/10 participation mark.
Thanks,
Third Degree Burns
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On Tue, 06 Apr 2010 14:45:07
"A.A.J. ---" wrote:
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Matthew,
I sympathize with your plight and I certainly commend your attempts to further humanity's progress through mad scientist voicebox transplants. However, I maintain moral issues with excusing voicebox tranplant mishaps. If I were to show any leniency in this regard, then I would also have to excuse another student who is a superhero and was absent for attempting to save a damsel in distress. Similarly, I would also have to excuse the two merpersons in the class who were unable to attend due to the low humidity (ie, less than 100%) within our tutorial classroom. That said, I am also fairly profficient in worm (my uncle once removed was a worm) and the
lack of initiative that you displayed in attempting to communicate yourself to me is inexcusable.
Unfourtunately, according to my grade book, you were only in class 3 of the 8 classes that I took attendence. Also, in two of those classes, I don't believe that you participated at all. As such, your grade stands at 2.5/10 though I enjoyed your attempt.
-André
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On Tue, 06 Apr 2010 17:18:30
"Matthew Burns" wrote:
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Andre,
OKOKOK... I lied about losing my vocal choards and someone stealing my knees. But that's it! the rest of the story is true! Kathy Griffin is absolutely horrible, and the one time I called Sean Connery's house he threatened to kill me.
Also, Thursdays are a day of religious celebration for me. My religion strictly says that no tutorials shall be attended on Thursday. Oddly, my religion also says that changing a timetable to accommodate the transfer of a tutorial from a Thursday to any other day is also wrong. You can't discriminate against my religious beliefs. That's what the nazis did.
Am I comparing this tutorial to Nazi Germany? Nononono... that would be insensitive. Instead I am saying that it is most interesting that participation was graded in Nazi Germany as well. Those who did not participate in the "hiel" or attend their mandatory biweekly knitting classes were severely beaten and forced to watch Kathy Griffin's stand up comedy.
In conclusion: is this email participation not worthy of a 5/10?
Also, could you please refer to me as "Third Degree Burns"
Thanks,
Third Degree Burns
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On Wed, 07 Apr 2010 15:06:43
"A.A.J. ---" wrote:
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Matthew,
Nice try.
-André
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